Many people struggle with trying to change unhealthy habits or self-defeating patterns in their lives. Whether it's an addiction, bad relationships, or self-criticism, the cycle repeats despite our best efforts. We tell ourselves "this is the last time" or "starting tomorrow, things will be different." But soon enough, we find ourselves back where we started, stuck in the same old ruts.
It's easy to feel hopeless, like substantive change just isn't possible. Can people really transform deep-rooted parts of themselves? Or are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over?
The truth is, change is possible, but it's far more complex than simply deciding to "turn over a new leaf." Lasting, meaningful change requires understanding the hidden reasons why we act the ways we do. It also means relating to ourselves and our struggles with more compassion.
Speaking on the Relational Psych podcast, therapist Caitlyn Liao lays out three steps to successfully real implement change in your life.
1) Look Below the Surface
Our behaviors and habits often have roots in our unconscious minds, as complex hidden reasons drive patterns like overeating, smoking, and emotional reactivity. As Liao explains, there may be far more happening under the surface than we realize.
To create lasting change, we need to inquire below our behaviors and bring unconscious motivations into consciousness. This involves questions like:
- What childhood experiences molded our current coping mechanisms?
- How did we learn to soothe or protect ourselves?
- What’s our deeper motivation for wanting to implement change in the first place?
By unraveling the underlying stories and deep-seated patterns, we can start to rewrite old narratives and construct healthier ways of being. The first step is acknowledging there may be more happening than meets the eye. Making the unconscious conscious allows positive change to unfold.
2) Reframe with Empathy
It’s tempting to see unhealthy habits and self-criticism as “bad” parts to eliminate. However, these patterns originally formed as adaptations to help us survive challenging circumstances. For example:
- Chronic self-criticism often stems from the internalization of external criticism from parents/caregivers. The inner critic protected us by driving achievement as a child.
- Avoiding conflict may have shielded us from feeling abandoned, even if it now limits intimacy.
- Controlling tendencies could have provided a sense of safety when young, though they prevent vulnerability as an adult.
As Liao explains:
“Self criticism or conflict avoidance is not negative in itself. It's not something bad inside of you. They're just byproducts of the way you as a child learned how to cope in reaction to what was going on around you.”
Taking this into consideration, it’s important to keep the following in mind when trying to change aspect of yourself:
- There is no such thing as "bad" parts of us; all parts adapt in pursuit of health and wholeness.
- Rather than fighting these parts of ourselves, we can relate to them with empathy and appreciate the protective roles they served.
- Reframing our struggles with compassion allows us to update counterproductive patterns rather than harshly eliminating them.
Progress lies not in banishing our inner critic but understanding the hurting parts longing to be seen with gentleness and care.
3) Create New Relational Experiences
Our earliest relationships wire our brains, conditioning how we see ourselves and interact with others. Fortunately, the brain remains malleable across life. Just as negative early experiences ingrained unhealthy patterns, new positive experiences can reshape our wiring.
As Liao explains:
“Your interactions and relationships with others throughout your life can update and evolve this working model...having a new relational experience can help update this working model."
A relationship with a therapist can be a great place to start to retrain your mind with new experiences that can lead to a healthier lifestyle. Some of the benefits of working with a therapist to bring about change in your life include:
- The therapeutic relationship offers such an opportunity for healing and change. In the safety of the therapist's unconditional positive regard, clients can take risks, express themselves openly, and internalize new ways of relating.
- By forming secure attachment in therapy, people integrate healthier modes of thinking, feeling, and being that transfer into all their relationships.
- They relate to themselves with more compassion and patience, paving the way for lasting change.
Change is a Journey
Progress happens gradually, through many small steps forward. There will be setbacks and periods of seeming stagnation. Change represents a winding journey rather than a quick linear path.
As Liao puts it:
"I think we have to remember to enjoy the small increments of change and growth. And to remember that it is possible and that you're on your way to change."
By inquiring below our behaviors, reframing our struggles with empathy, and creating new positive relational experiences, we can shift our deepest patterns over time. Moment by moment, we update our self-narratives and construct healthier ways of being.
What once seemed cemented in stone - our coping mechanisms, critiques, or avoidance - transform through relating to ourselves and others in more caring attunement.
Don't hesitate to seek support on your therapeutic journey. Therapists excel at helping you illuminate your unconscious motivations, shift counterproductive narratives, and form healthier connections - with yourself and others. By relating to yourself with compassion instead of criticism along this path, you will rewrite old stories into ones that serve your growth and purpose.
Frequently Asked Questions on Change
Is it really possible to change deep-rooted parts of myself?
Yes. While not easy, core change is absolutely achievable through increasing self-insight, relating to yourself with compassion, and having corrective emotional experiences. By unraveling the underlying reasons you act certain ways, you can rewrite old coping mechanisms into healthier patterns.
Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes/negative patterns if I want to change?
Because change is complex! There are subconscious protective factors driving you to repeat those patterns, even if consciously you want to be different. Bring clarity to your unconscious motivations and meet those scared parts of yourself with empathy - only then will repetition give way to lasting positive change.
How long does change take?
It depends, but substantive change tends to be gradual, over many small steps forward. Progress unfolds organically through asking the right exploratory questions, building self-compassion, taking risks in relationships, and learning healthier ways of thinking, feeling, and being. Give both yourself and the process patience.
How can therapy help facilitate change?
The therapeutic relationship provides fertile ground for insight, reconnection with disowned parts of yourself, emotional healing, and learning secure ways of relating. Instead of judgment, your therapist offers compassion as you courageously explore root causes. By feeling seen, accepted, mirrored, and positively reinforced by a caring therapist, clients cultivate these healthy dynamics within themselves.
